Dads struggle

I can’t describe the overall feeling of pain, helplessness, worthlessness, and loneliness the moment I was no longer allowed to be there for my daughter.

The moment I realized I wouldn’t be able to hold her hand through the tough times, or wrap her in a big hug to say everything will be ok. When I realized that its only up to my wife to carry on this burden by herself.

Watching through a screen no bigger than my palm as they pull a line surrounded by blood clots, just waiting for a potential clot to break loose and a life ending stroke to follow. (Of which there are no drugs or preventative care) Only one parent allowed, so I wait, staring at a screen and not able to do anything.

Watching on facetime while they roll her into surgery, crying, terrified, helpless and the very next moment IV drugs go into her line, she slumps in the bed. The whole time wishing I could be there with her, to kiss her forehead and tell her how much I love her.

I can’t describe how much it hurts to watch on a little screen as they administer multiple injections throughout the day. The sound of her terrified cries as she only wants them to leave her alone. The multiple blood draws, the bruised track marks up and down her legs and arms from the continuous tests and continuous changing of IVs.

I can’t tell you how much I want to hold my wife as she cries, and wrap my arms around my baby girl.

The only thing I can do is watch that small screen in the palm of my hand as tears fall, on an empty floor, in an empty house. Goodnight!